I've been praying in recent weeks that our God Who is Overflowing with Grace would reveal to me any strongholds in my life and help me to become more than a conqueror over them. I asked that He would help me see the things in my life that are hindering me from having a beautiful, complete relationship with Him. Bad habits. Emotional baggage. Addictions. False gods. ALL of it.
Now, I am in that place, right in the middle of that space, of difficulty and uncertainty. So be it. Amen. I asked Him; I yielded; He answered. Ouch....
Taking that first step, I asked that He would help me see anything I've clung onto concerning my strained relationship with my parents who are now at rest. Yes, I do have and have had a lot of emotional baggage connected my relationship with them. I've conquered much but, apparently, I still have a lot of work to do. This time around, the God Who never Gives Up on me, brought my dad very much to the forefront of my mind and heart.
The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; My God, my strength, in whom I will trust; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. Psalm 18:2
My dad, though a good provider for our family, was very detached emotionally from everything that went on. He was gone much of time for work, neglected his relationship with my mother and me, and was extremely self-absorbed. His comments to me generally concerned the perceived faults I had and/or mistakes I was making, what a disappointment I was to him, and how I would never amount to anything. That is it; my childhood with my dad (and some of adulthood) in a nutshell.
My dad has been gone for ten years. I have forgiven him many times over, realizing he was misguided and imperfect as are we all. I discovered today, however, that I still struggle with his lack of love, acceptance and approval for me. And, I have transferred some of that sense of earning that love, acceptance and approval to my heavenly Father.
I know many struggle with this issue of transference. Though we truly believe that our heavenly Father loves us unconditionally, that Christ died for us unconditionally, it is an ongoing test to remember and live out these things. Old habits die hard. Truly.
Because the Lord has anointed Me
To preach good tidings to the poor;
He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted,
To proclaim liberty to the captives,
And the opening of the prison to those who are bound;..." Isaiah 61:1
I believe I am at a crossroad in my life. A change of seasons, of conquering fear. I'm asking truly where He wants me to be a servant for Him. Asking Him how. He is silent. He has been silent for many months now. The apparent opportunities in my circumstances to serve Him are growing fewer. He has put a yearning, a tugging at my heart to do more, to do differently, to do deeper but nothing presents itself. I wait. The waiting is hard. The uncertainty is harder still.
I know God's timing is perfect. His gifts are perfect. This divine gift of waiting, of seeking, of searching is stretching me, shaping me. It hurts. My flesh screams and my heart aches being convinced thatI've done something wrong as I hear the Liar hissing that my Father doesn't approve or accept me... That I won't amount to anything...
In Him you also trusted, after you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation; in whom also, having believed, you were sealed with the Holy Spirit of promise, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until the redemption of the purchased possession, to the praise of His glory.
God's silence is sometimes deafening. Yet, today I heard Him whisper "You don't have to do anything. I still love you, approve of you and accept you. Just wait. Trust Me and My love for you. I will provide when the time is right. For now, you must learn to receive the fullness of my gift....."
Hallowed be Your name.
YOUR WILL BE DONE.
On earth as it is in heaven.
As we forgive our debtors. And do not lead us into temptation,
But deliver us from the evil one.For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever.
And so it goes... I'll keep ya 'posted'...!
Now He who establishes us with you in Christ and has anointed us is God, who also has sealed us and given us the Spirit in our hearts as a guarantee. 2 Cor 1:21-22