I do miss her. I miss her presence in my life. It wasn't always easy with Mom; however, there was comfort in knowing she was there, that she loved me, that she was family, that we had a long shared history together. Someone to share family recipes and memories with that no one else could. All of that goodness left me when she did. There is still a hole in that space for me.
Our last days together were really more apart than together. (See my blog post "A Pillar of Salt"). So much strife, heartache, pain. I certainly don't miss that! Naturally, I was left with a sense of deep hurt, confusion and abandonment. Bitterness and resentment threatened to seep into my soul. I pulled up my bootstraps, put on my armor and guarded myself through prayer, His Word and His Spirit.
It took me about three years to get to a place of peace. I had forgiven. I had rationalized about what when on between us during those last days. I had talked out my feelings with myself, my husband, and with God. At times, I thought I had already reached the summit ready to conquer but alas, I was not able to plant my flag of victory because I wasn't really there. Something was not quite right. Something was missing...
My spirit struggled with the sense of ...... ? Unforgiveness? Bitterness? I couldn't figure out what it was but I knew it was there. It tugged at my heart. So, last week, in prayer I asked Him to help me, to reveal whatever I was holding on to, whatever was holding me in bondage.
God is a god, the God, of details. He does care about the smallest of things. As I do. I am a person of details. Most of the time. Because of this aspect of my personality, I keep a basket of cards I've received from people in my life that have been encouraging and edifying. When reread, the sentiments and details bring to mind truth during dark moments of questioning, struggle and doubt.
Well, I decided to 'clean out' that basket today. Guess what I found?! A card from my mother. She gave it to me not long before she died. It is a beautiful Blue Mountain card with a prayer for a daughter written on it. And, on the back of the card, my mom wrote "I love you and I always want you to remember that. Mom." I read those words and burst into tears. I don't recall reading them before....
I needed closure. Those words provided sweet closure for me today. Though death and years have separated us, Mom and I have reconciled through those words. We have overcome the differences we had at the end of her life when Parkinson's robbed her of her body and her right mind. She knew things weren't right but, at that point in her life, she couldn't overcome her difficulties. Fortunately, Mom left me a love note. Despite everything, she still loved me. Those words were what I needed to hear at this moment and a most certain answer to my prayer. Through God's bountiful grace and mercy, Mom spoke to me beyond the grave, words of love and healing.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise Him for what He has done, is doing, and will do. It all has glorious purpose. Praise Him who is a God of details leaving no stone unturned. Praise Him for being Love and for loving us so much that He gives us just what we need when we need it most!
And, the added beauty of it all is that these are His words to me just as much as my mother's words: "I love you and I always want you to remember that.... God." His love letter to me...and YOU!
No comments:
Post a Comment
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.