Friday, January 17, 2014

The Unfailing and Failing

It is still dark. I can see no light.

In the still, I hear soft breathing. I feel squeezed. Dread. I ask Him to help me go back to sleep.

I turn. Sleep does not come. I wallow. I wait. In His unfailing and my failing.

Soon I hear the drone of those who watch the clock, have appointments, do the grind. I ask again for sleep. It does not show signs of returning now.

The noise multiplies. The bed moves. Footsteps. The first rays of light. Yet I do not feel the lightness. I want to sleep. I deny. In His unfailing and my failing.

Minutes pass. I lay still. Wanting to avoid. To ignore. The mind begins to look ahead, to review, to realize that sleep will not come again on this morn.

My feet feel like lead swinging off the edge. My being wants to crawl back under, into the cave. My mind knows it cannot no matter how the darkness looms. I MUST embrace the light. In His unfailing and my failing.

I exercise in body and soul hoping to lift the darkness.  I drink liquid power hoping to feel His intoxicating revival in spirit. A glimmer appears.

I sing, in spirit, the worship of one worn with pain, physical and soul searching. Knowing the answer deep down. Not wanting to fully accept. In His unfailing. In my failing.

The struggle lurks on the edge of the light, fingers stretched out. The blackness grabs and threatens. I sing aloud and look deep into the words attempting to find meaning, solace, and justice there. Understanding somewhat. Harder to accept.

Moving forward. The day dawns. Darkness presses heavy on my chest. I look for the bright. I shun the pit. He gives me determination. He gives me hope in His unfailing. In my failing.

"Amazing grace. How sweet the sound. That saved a wretch like me. Once I was lost but I am found, was blind but know I see...."

I see. I know what I must. But to do.... A battle of the fiercest kind. Yet He is there in the pit. Pulling me out yet again. In His unfailing and my failing.

Time ticks. It transcends. Forgiveness glows. Love renews.

Waiting. In His unfailing and my failing.

Praising. Worshiping. Loving. In His unfailing and my failing.

Amazing grace. Amazing love. Amazing God.

It looks familiar, this place. I have been here before. Many times. In variety of degree. I know this place will come again. And, I, in His mercy and power, will conquer.......

May He alone be magnified in my victory. His unfailing becomes my unfailing. Hallelujah!

For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast.   Ephesians 2:8-9