A LEGACY OF FAITH

Feeling a bit melancholy at the moment.... I just broke one of my favorite cooking bowls! A pale green mixing pitcher. Circa 1950. Yes, it was probably considered a collectible of sorts but the value in it for me was not monetary but emotional. It belonged to my mom....

If you've been a follower of my blog, you know my mom has been gone about six years now. Bittersweet parting, she and I. Yet, I have many fond memories of life with Mom including this small green mixing pitcher.  It is one of a few things that belonged to her that I elected to keep after her passing. Many a perfect pancake and cookie concoction came from this little treasure. (And, yes, I found it on eBay today for approximately $50.00).

Today, I dropped it on the kitchen floor when taking it out of the cupboard. It immediately smashed into several large portions and countless shards of glass. In an instant, my bowl was reduced to rubble! Too shambled to put it back together the way it was before. My treasure, emotionally and physically, was no more. A part of my heart broke with it....

I suppose, in a way, it kept my memories of Mom alive. The good ones. It was as if she was still with us in a small way. I still felt attached to her, remembered her in the younger years and the better times. And, I was hoping to pass that bowl on to my daughter. Now what....?

The same came for a witness, to bear witness of the Light, that all men through Him might believe.  John 1:7

Now what, indeed! The physical reminders of Mom are fewer and fewer as time passes. I want to hold on to that keepsake!  How breaking it makes me long to see her that much more! For His kingdom to come, for all to be made right, for everything to be put under His feet.

 But our High Priest offered Himself to God as a single sacrifice for sins, good for all time. Then He sat down in the place of honor at God’s right hand. There He waits until His enemies are humbled and made a footstool under his feet. For by that one offering He forever made perfect those who are being made holy.  And the Holy Spirit also testifies that this is so. For He says,

 “This is the new covenant I will make
    with my people on that day, says the Lord:
I will put my laws in their hearts,
    and I will write them on their minds.”

Then He says,

“I will never again remember
    their sins and lawless deeds.” 

^{Hebrews 10:12-16 NLT}

Yet I know I must pick up the pieces and move on. In the here and now, it helps me to remember the important legacies that I will leave behind for my own children. Not just mixing bowls. The life lessons, the spiritual journey, the laughter, the love.  The intangibles. The treasures worth collecting.

"For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also."

Matthew 6:21 KJV

To be a mom worth remembering rather than wishing and hoping to forget. No, not a 'perfect' mom. Just a mom who gives it everything she's got, fully relying on His power, pressing deepest into her faith in the weak moments, and flying by His Spirit everyday.  Being an ear and shoulder for them in the tough times, being tough on them and for them in their weak times, and on my knees when they need it and even when they think they don't. And, knowing when to let go and let God fully live in their lives rather than just through me. Passing on warmth, wisdom, wonder, and worthiness. His light. His love. Especially in the dark times when life doesn't make sense.

I will miss my bowl as I do miss my mom. As in all things, however, I must move onward in this journey remembering her limited legacy and doing my utmost in Him to leave something larger than myself for the blessings in my own nest. A treasure in a legacy of something, Someone larger than myself that will be here even when I am no longer. Something that can't be broken, taken away, or lost. Something that truly passes the test of time and transcends into eternity.... A legacy of faith.

"And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up."  Deuteronomy 6:7 KJV

"Then said he unto them, Therefore every scribe which is instructed unto the kingdom of heaven is like unto a man that is an householder, which bringeth forth out of his treasure things new and old." Matthew 13:52 KJV

OUR FATHER...

If you read my last post, Gifts Divine, you know I've developed a new affinity for carrots. Well, I took my first carrot, this time willingly, out of the bag and began to munch!

I've been praying in recent weeks that our God Who is Overflowing with Grace would reveal to me any strongholds in my life and help me to become more than a conqueror over them.  I asked that He would help me see the things in my life that are hindering me from having a beautiful, complete relationship with Him. Bad habits. Emotional baggage. Addictions. False gods. ALL of it.

Now, I am in that place, right in the middle of that space, of difficulty and uncertainty. So be it. Amen. I asked Him; I yielded; He answered. Ouch....

Taking that first step, I asked that He would help me see anything I've clung onto concerning my strained relationship with my parents who are now at rest.  Yes, I do have and have had a lot of emotional baggage connected my relationship with them. I've conquered much but, apparently, I still have a lot of work to do. This time around, the God Who never Gives Up on me, brought my dad very much to the forefront of my mind and heart.

The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; My God, my strength, in whom I will trust; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. Psalm 18:2

My dad, though a good provider for our family, was very detached emotionally from everything that went on.  He was gone much of time for work, neglected his relationship with my mother and me, and was extremely self-absorbed.  His comments to me generally concerned the perceived faults I had and/or mistakes I was making, what a disappointment I was to him, and how I would never amount to anything.  That is it; my childhood with my dad (and some of adulthood) in a nutshell.

My dad has been gone for ten years. I have forgiven him many times over, realizing he was misguided and imperfect as are we all.  I discovered today, however, that I still struggle with his lack of love, acceptance and approval for me. And, I have transferred some of that sense of earning that love, acceptance and approval to my heavenly Father.

I know many struggle with this issue of transference. Though we truly believe that our heavenly Father loves us unconditionally, that Christ died for us unconditionally, it is an ongoing test to remember and live out these things. Old habits die hard. Truly.

“The Spirit of the Lord God is upon Me,
Because the Lord has anointed Me
To preach good tidings to the poor;
He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted,
To proclaim liberty to the captives,
And the opening of the prison to those who are bound;..." Isaiah 61:1

I believe I am at a crossroad in my life. A change of seasons, of conquering fear. I'm asking truly where He wants me to be a servant for Him. Asking Him how. He is silent. He has been silent for many months now.  The apparent opportunities in my circumstances to serve Him are growing fewer.  He has put a yearning, a tugging at my heart to do more, to do differently, to do deeper but nothing presents itself.  I wait. The waiting is hard. The uncertainty is harder still.

I know God's timing is perfect. His gifts are perfect. This divine gift of waiting, of seeking, of searching is stretching me, shaping me.  It hurts. My flesh screams and my heart aches being convinced thatI've done something wrong as I hear the Liar hissing that my Father doesn't approve or accept me... That I won't amount to anything...

In Him you also trusted, after you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation; in whom also, having believed, you were sealed with the Holy Spirit of promise, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until the redemption of the purchased possession, to the praise of His glory. 
Ephesians 1:13-14

God's silence is sometimes deafening. Yet, today I heard Him whisper "You don't have to do anything. I still love you, approve of you and accept you. Just wait. Trust Me and My love for you. I will provide when the time is right. For now, you must learn to receive the fullness of my gift....."

"...Our Father in heaven,
Hallowed be Your name.

Your kingdom come.
YOUR WILL BE DONE.
On earth as it is in heaven.  

GIVE US THIS DAY OUR DAILY BREAD.  

And forgive us our debts,
As we forgive our debtors.  And do not lead us into temptation,
But deliver us from the evil one.For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. 

Amen." Matthew 6:9-13

 

This carrot is difficult to chew and even more difficult digest but oh so necessary for my spiritual health. Nonetheless, I am praising Him Whose mercies are truly new EVERY morning! I do truly want to be more like Him even though I do so dislike the pain in arriving there. Your will Lord, not mine, be done!

And so it goes... I'll keep ya 'posted'...!

 Now He who establishes us with you in Christ and has anointed us is God, who also has sealed us and given us the Spirit in our hearts as a guarantee. 2 Cor 1:21-22

Sands through the Hour Glass, A Crown of Glory

Ahh, the sensitive subject of aging...  This subject has been on my mind quite a bit during the past year as I swiftly approach my half-a-century mark. 

Just yesterday, a treasured, long-time friend asked me  "So how do you feel about turning 50?"  I drew a very deep breath in response to the very loaded question as my mind raced to scan my history--the mistakes, the trials, the successes, the challenges, the growth--wanting to answer the question with truth and godly perspective. "The physical challenges are the most difficult", I said, "but I treasure the spiritual wisdom and growth that comes with the years."

A tough question especially during this era as our culture places so much value on youth which is counter to the Word of God.  As I thought more deeply later on, these things came to mind:
  

• I am embracing the wisdom and knowledge (especially the Godly) that comes with each passing year and the blessings in the children to whom I can pass that gift.
• I am embracing spiritual growth, milestones and standing stones for Him! I am embracing a body that has a life's story to tell of accidents and babies, misguided idol worship lessons, divine rescues and amazing miracles! 
• I am embracing the increasing physical 'weakness' by rejoicing that He is made stronger and glorified in them. I wait with great anticipation as to how I will see Him working this day and revealing Himself to me. 
• I am celebrating His perspective on who I am rather than always looking in the mirror and relying on what I see and what 'the world' sees. 
• I long for freedom from the fight of the flesh, to be with Him more, be like Him more with each passing day, to be 100 percent guided by His Spirit.
• I increasingly long for the complete peace and rest the comes with His love, His grace and His deliverance and seeing Him face to face.
• And, as the days behind grow longer than the days ahead, I truly give heartfelt thanksgiving each morning of waking as I rejoice in the day, be glad in it, and live His gift of life and mercy, one more day.....

Thirty-five days and counting. I will enter, God willing, my fifty-first year.  Wow...  I must not neglect to mention that my sweet friend followed her initial question by adding "You certainly don't look 50!" A girl always needs to hear that kind of love!

Celebrating the gift of life, the true meaning of life, that only our Wonderful Maker can give!

The silver-haired head is a crown of glory,
If it is found in the way of righteousness. Proverbs 16:31