THE ONLY SOURCE

In our family, we're not much for watching television but do like to have a movie night once a week.  Usually family friendly stuff.  My youngest was at a sleepover last time so we decided to watch Source Code. (Honestly, I'd never heard of it but my husband requested it from Netflix.)

Interesting movie, engaging plot line. I won't be a spoiler but will share some detail as to what I find intriguing.

The main character is being sent back in time to figure out who set off a bomb on a commuter train killing hundreds. He has to go back again and again and again searching for more clues until he figures it out. The poor guy is confused, exhausted, frustrated and alone. Eventually, our hero solves the mystery, and, in turn, gets to make things right and inherits his freedom and a new future.

Right now, I feel very much like him. Uncertain, tired, frustrated (and a bit angry) and alone.

I'm in a fog. I'm in a holding pattern. I'm often just going through the motions. Though I know I am not alone as the Lord promises me that He is always with me, He is being very quiet, very subtle in guiding me through each day. He is keeping me waiting. Waiting upon Him, trusting Him, developing my faith and trust in light of the uncertainty of the future.

Days come and go. Some days are hard. Sleep is restless. The heart is heavy with hurt some days.

I know He is doing a work. The Light is there. Yet I still struggle even in the knowing. The days have turned into months. Years really. It is a slow process. I'm not getting any younger and most of it doesn't get any easier.

The journey is two-fold: 1) pulling out bad roots, ingrained habits that run long and deep and 2) making me rely solely upon Him and His will for me--no strongholds, no crutches, no dependencies-- so that He can lead me to a more meaningful purpose, one to which I've truly been called.

He tells me to remember that, for me, ALL is grace.

For us, ALL is grace.

We only get one shot at this life. Unlike my movie hero, I can't go back in time to change history or to make things right. I can't undo the wrongs that I've done or that have been done to me no matter how much I'd like to do it. But all is grace......

We must continually look to the only source. In His grace, it is not a race. Not a race against time to erase all the wrongs and make them right. No works to earn freedom and a new future. In Him, I am forgiven. In Him, I am redeemed. In Him, I'm given a future and a hope. In Him, we can 'pay it forward' rather than looking to the past.

He keeps no record of wrongs. He blots out our transgressions. He carries our shame.

He transforms me, if I yield to Him, and helps to relieve my burdens, give me rest, learn His ways. He helps me to forgive those who burdened me and love them anyway. Even those I might never see  again in this life.

All is grace. He makes me better going forward rather than going back in time. All is grace. Every breath I breathe. Every morning when I awaken. Every step I take. Every choice I make. He wants me to see, understand and embrace that grace. He supplies grace in every moment. I, too, need to give grace in every moment.

And, to give thanks. To give thanks during the pruning and plucking no matter how much it hurts. For me, giving thanks in difficulty has always been the hardest part.  "This is my will for you" He reminds me.

All is grace. His will is grace. His love is grace. He is grace. He is the only source that will get us through the toughest times, the deepest waters, the hardest hurts. Not only get us through but bring us through in glory. I don't deserve anything but, nonetheless, He gives me everything I could ever need. Undeserved, unmerited favor in the eyes of the Creator of the Universe....

Love. Light. Freedom. Future. GRACE.

Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Lord’s Spirit is, there is freedom.  

As all of us reflect the glory of the Lord with unveiled faces, we are becoming more like Him with ever-increasing glory by the Lord’s Spirit. 

2 Cor 3:17-18

ALL is grace. Our Lord is the source. He is the only One Who can make all things right and just.

Therefore, if anyone is in the Messiah, he is a new creation. Old things have disappeared, and—look!—all things have become new! 

2 Cor 5:17

Praising Him for the good, the bad and the ugly, knowing He works ALL things together for good according to His PERFECT will.....!
 

Now if the ministry of death that was inscribed in letters of stone came with such glory that the people of Israel could not gaze on Moses’ face (because the glory was fading away from it), will not the Spirit’s ministry have even more glory? 

2 Cor 3:7-8

 

The Unfailing and Failing

It is still dark. I can see no light.

In the still, I hear soft breathing. I feel squeezed. Dread. I ask Him to help me go back to sleep.

I turn. Sleep does not come. I wallow. I wait. In His unfailing and my failing.

Soon I hear the drone of those who watch the clock, have appointments, do the grind. I ask again for sleep. It does not show signs of returning now.

The noise multiplies. The bed moves. Footsteps. The first rays of light. Yet I do not feel the lightness. I want to sleep. I deny. In His unfailing and my failing.

Minutes pass. I lay still. Wanting to avoid. To ignore. The mind begins to look ahead, to review, to realize that sleep will not come again on this morn.

My feet feel like lead swinging off the edge. My being wants to crawl back under, into the cave. My mind knows it cannot no matter how the darkness looms. I MUST embrace the light. In His unfailing and my failing.

I exercise in body and soul hoping to lift the darkness.  I drink liquid power hoping to feel His intoxicating revival in spirit. A glimmer appears.

I sing, in spirit, the worship of one worn with pain, physical and soul searching. Knowing the answer deep down. Not wanting to fully accept. In His unfailing. In my failing.

The struggle lurks on the edge of the light, fingers stretched out. The blackness grabs and threatens. I sing aloud and look deep into the words attempting to find meaning, solace, and justice there. Understanding somewhat. Harder to accept.

Moving forward. The day dawns. Darkness presses heavy on my chest. I look for the bright. I shun the pit. He gives me determination. He gives me hope in His unfailing. In my failing.

"Amazing grace. How sweet the sound. That saved a wretch like me. Once I was lost but I am found, was blind but know I see...."

I see. I know what I must. But to do.... A battle of the fiercest kind. Yet He is there in the pit. Pulling me out yet again. In His unfailing and my failing.

Time ticks. It transcends. Forgiveness glows. Love renews.

Waiting. In His unfailing and my failing.

Praising. Worshiping. Loving. In His unfailing and my failing.

Amazing grace. Amazing love. Amazing God.

It looks familiar, this place. I have been here before. Many times. In variety of degree. I know this place will come again. And, I, in His mercy and power, will conquer.......

May He alone be magnified in my victory. His unfailing becomes my unfailing. Hallelujah!

For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast.   Ephesians 2:8-9