REMEMBER I LOVE YOU...

It has been almost six years since my mother entered eternal slumber awaiting the voice of the King to awaken her at His call.  My life has most certainly changed without her. A few changes for the worse: no motherly advise or words of wisdom, no grandmother for my children, no extended family. And, as God would have it, my life has changed in many ways for the better.

I do miss her. I miss her presence in my life. It wasn't always easy with Mom; however, there was comfort in knowing she was there, that she loved me, that she was family, that we had a long shared history together. Someone to share family recipes and memories with that no one else could. All of that goodness left me when she did. There is still a hole in that space for me. 

Our last days together were really more apart than together. (See my blog post "A Pillar of Salt").  So much strife, heartache, pain. I certainly don't miss that! Naturally, I was left with a sense of deep hurt, confusion and abandonment. Bitterness and resentment threatened to seep into my soul.  I pulled up my bootstraps, put on my armor and guarded myself through prayer, His Word and His Spirit.

It took me about three years to get to a place of peace.  I had forgiven. I had rationalized about what when on between us during those last days. I had talked out my feelings with myself, my husband, and with God. At times, I thought I had already reached the summit ready to conquer but alas, I was not able to plant my flag of victory because I wasn't really there. Something was not quite right. Something was missing...


My spirit struggled with the sense of ...... ?  Unforgiveness? Bitterness? I couldn't figure out what it was but I knew it was there. It tugged at my heart. So, last week, in prayer I asked Him to help me, to reveal whatever I was holding on to, whatever was holding me in bondage.

God is a god, the God, of details. He does care about the smallest of things.  As I do. I am a person of details. Most of the time. Because of this aspect of my personality, I keep a basket of cards I've received from people in my life that have been encouraging and edifying. When reread, the sentiments and details bring to mind truth during dark moments of questioning, struggle and doubt.

Well, I decided to 'clean out' that basket today. Guess what I found?!  A card from my mother. She gave it to me not long before she died. It is a beautiful Blue Mountain card with a prayer for a daughter written on it. And, on the back of the card, my mom wrote "I love you and I always want you to remember that.  Mom."  I read those words and burst into tears. I don't recall reading them before....

I needed closure. Those words provided sweet closure for me today. Though death and years have separated us, Mom and I have reconciled through those words. We have overcome the differences we had at the end of her life when Parkinson's robbed her of her body and her right mind. She knew things weren't right but, at that point in her life, she couldn't overcome her difficulties. Fortunately, Mom left me a love note. Despite everything, she still loved me. Those words were what I needed to hear at this moment and a most certain answer to my prayer. Through God's bountiful grace and mercy, Mom spoke to me beyond the grave, words of love and healing.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise Him for what He has done, is doing, and will do. It all has glorious purpose.  Praise Him who is a God of details leaving no stone unturned. Praise Him for being Love and for loving us so much that He gives us just what we need when we need it most!

And, the added beauty of it all is that these are His words to me just as much as my mother's words: "I love you and I always want you to remember that.... God." His love letter to me...and YOU!

"Unto the upright there arises light in the darkness;
He is gracious, and full of compassion, and righteous."  Psalm 112:4

AFRAID OF THE DARK?!

Some trials last a day, some a week, some a month and some last more years than we care to count. The latter is the case with my son who, in his younger days, experienced a relentless struggle for and against sleep. In his youth, he was a child that was wired, since his birth, with a desire to stay awake and would do anything to make it so. His sleeplessness took many forms over the years from numerous unnecessary night feedings as he looked for comfort and companionship as a baby to his own method of self-soothing by moaning and singing while rocking on his hands and knees.

No matter how much we, as loving parents, tried to lull him into sleep, convincing him of our constant presence and protection, my darling child was never convinced that we meant what we said. No manner of logic would appeal to him. No matter how many opportunities we had to gain his trust, they come back void. And, still, even as he got older, we continued to struggle with my son's sleep issues as it affected his relationships, his schooling, and his view of the world around him.

As the years pass and we continued to pray, study and read about this issue, the words 'separation' and 'fear' have came to the forefront. Fear of the dark and fear of separation from others or being alone. Fear of the unexpected and unpredictable. My son didn't accept the reassurance that we were near and would come to his aide. He didn't fully trust the immeasurable love we have for him as our son. He didn't want to be alone, especially in the dark, feeling abandoned, uncertain of what will happen, and unable to control his environment.

Recently, God in His still small voice whispered in my ear saying 'And, just how much do you trust Me? How much do you trust me when you feel alone and as if no one cares? How much do you trust me in the dark , uncertain places of your life? How much do you trust Me when you realize how little control you have over your circumstance?" He reminded me of His Word, transcending through all time, from Isaiah 41:13 "For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do no fear; I will help you." and Psalm 9:10 "Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you".

I must confess that I am often afraid of the dark and lonely places in my life. Being an only child and having lost my parents, loneliness, at times, engulfs me. I find myself more fearful of being separated from my husband and children. In those moments, I know that I do not fully trust my Creator to provide His infinite love, provision, or protection as He promises. He gave His perfect Son, the Light of the world, to rescue me from the darkness yet, often I still hold on to the things of the past, the more comfortable places and old habits, to find solace, rather than choosing to walk in His light and focusing on a future with Him.

Christ came not only to rescue me from certain death but to redeem me from the snare of fear and lies with which Satan binds me. Paul reminds me of this release in Romans 8:15 stating " For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, “Abba, Father.”

Satan desires to entrap me in doubting the Word of the Lord and His faithfulness. Christ wants to release me by transforming me into His image. Jesus was at peace in body, mind and in spirit throughout His earthly journey as He focused on the will of His Father. When the storm raged around the apostles and their boat, Jesus slept. When He was alone for forty days in the wilderness, Jesus never doubted that God was with Him. He gave thanks for the meager food presented to feed 5,000 never doubting that His Father would provide. Jesus kept his eye on the prize at all times.

It was both an exhausting and heartbreaking journey for our sweet son and us. Yet, we were in the battle together; I, too, never left him nor forsook him. I did what I could to help him; however, his battle with fears of darkness and being alone was ultimately his alone to fight. He had to learn to trust, as do I, that God's word is true and pure. He had to believe with his entire being, as I must, that God keeps His promises, and continue to maintain his faith in things yet unseen. We both must truly die to ourselves daily and our own desire to be in control, fully surrendering to our heavenly Father. A tough battle for both of us, especially for a child, but one that will, in the long run, make us more like our Savior, Lord and King. No manner of self soothing will take His place. Nothing can fill the voids in our lives like His promise of unconditional love, care, and deliverance. His will is perfect.

In the words of Paul, '... in all these things, we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels or demons, neither the present or the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.' Romans 8:37-39

In this walk of faith and trust, let us pick up our shields of faith and arm ourselves with His sword of truth and become more than conquerors in His mighty name!