OUR FATHER...

If you read my last post, Gifts Divine, you know I've developed a new affinity for carrots. Well, I took my first carrot, this time willingly, out of the bag and began to munch!

I've been praying in recent weeks that our God Who is Overflowing with Grace would reveal to me any strongholds in my life and help me to become more than a conqueror over them.  I asked that He would help me see the things in my life that are hindering me from having a beautiful, complete relationship with Him. Bad habits. Emotional baggage. Addictions. False gods. ALL of it.

Now, I am in that place, right in the middle of that space, of difficulty and uncertainty. So be it. Amen. I asked Him; I yielded; He answered. Ouch....

Taking that first step, I asked that He would help me see anything I've clung onto concerning my strained relationship with my parents who are now at rest.  Yes, I do have and have had a lot of emotional baggage connected my relationship with them. I've conquered much but, apparently, I still have a lot of work to do. This time around, the God Who never Gives Up on me, brought my dad very much to the forefront of my mind and heart.

The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; My God, my strength, in whom I will trust; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. Psalm 18:2

My dad, though a good provider for our family, was very detached emotionally from everything that went on.  He was gone much of time for work, neglected his relationship with my mother and me, and was extremely self-absorbed.  His comments to me generally concerned the perceived faults I had and/or mistakes I was making, what a disappointment I was to him, and how I would never amount to anything.  That is it; my childhood with my dad (and some of adulthood) in a nutshell.

My dad has been gone for ten years. I have forgiven him many times over, realizing he was misguided and imperfect as are we all.  I discovered today, however, that I still struggle with his lack of love, acceptance and approval for me. And, I have transferred some of that sense of earning that love, acceptance and approval to my heavenly Father.

I know many struggle with this issue of transference. Though we truly believe that our heavenly Father loves us unconditionally, that Christ died for us unconditionally, it is an ongoing test to remember and live out these things. Old habits die hard. Truly.

“The Spirit of the Lord God is upon Me,
Because the Lord has anointed Me
To preach good tidings to the poor;
He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted,
To proclaim liberty to the captives,
And the opening of the prison to those who are bound;..." Isaiah 61:1

I believe I am at a crossroad in my life. A change of seasons, of conquering fear. I'm asking truly where He wants me to be a servant for Him. Asking Him how. He is silent. He has been silent for many months now.  The apparent opportunities in my circumstances to serve Him are growing fewer.  He has put a yearning, a tugging at my heart to do more, to do differently, to do deeper but nothing presents itself.  I wait. The waiting is hard. The uncertainty is harder still.

I know God's timing is perfect. His gifts are perfect. This divine gift of waiting, of seeking, of searching is stretching me, shaping me.  It hurts. My flesh screams and my heart aches being convinced thatI've done something wrong as I hear the Liar hissing that my Father doesn't approve or accept me... That I won't amount to anything...

In Him you also trusted, after you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation; in whom also, having believed, you were sealed with the Holy Spirit of promise, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until the redemption of the purchased possession, to the praise of His glory. 
Ephesians 1:13-14

God's silence is sometimes deafening. Yet, today I heard Him whisper "You don't have to do anything. I still love you, approve of you and accept you. Just wait. Trust Me and My love for you. I will provide when the time is right. For now, you must learn to receive the fullness of my gift....."

"...Our Father in heaven,
Hallowed be Your name.

Your kingdom come.
YOUR WILL BE DONE.
On earth as it is in heaven.  

GIVE US THIS DAY OUR DAILY BREAD.  

And forgive us our debts,
As we forgive our debtors.  And do not lead us into temptation,
But deliver us from the evil one.For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. 

Amen." Matthew 6:9-13

 

This carrot is difficult to chew and even more difficult digest but oh so necessary for my spiritual health. Nonetheless, I am praising Him Whose mercies are truly new EVERY morning! I do truly want to be more like Him even though I do so dislike the pain in arriving there. Your will Lord, not mine, be done!

And so it goes... I'll keep ya 'posted'...!

 Now He who establishes us with you in Christ and has anointed us is God, who also has sealed us and given us the Spirit in our hearts as a guarantee. 2 Cor 1:21-22

GIFTS DIVINE

Carrots. Carrots! Slender, crunchy, sunrise orange carrots!

My sweet girl is standing beside me in the grocery store, in the produce section, jumping up and down chanting "Carrots. Carrots, Mommy. Please, please, please. Can I have these carrots? I'll pay for them with my own money!" She was grinning from ear to ear.

I did a double take. Was this child of mine truly asking, no pleading, for a bag of carrots?  Did she truly say she would pay for them herself?!  Sure enough, my daughter stood there holding a small bag of seven inch long carrots. About eight of them to be exact. Nope, not candy. Not ice cream. Not a new toy or electronic device. Carrots....

Here are some of the essential vitamins and nutrients that come from raw carrots:

• Vitamin A (almost 700 percent of the daily value)
• Vitamin K
• Vitamin C
• Dietary Fiber
• Potassium
• Vitamin B6
• Manganese
• Molybdenum
• Vitamin B1
• Vitamin B3
• Phosphorous
• Magnesium
• Folate

Not to mention the health benefits of chewing on this brightly colored but not  really so tasty member of the veggie family.  (Always better with a little salt.) Loaded with antioxidents, Vitamin A, and Beta-Carotene which buddy up to help fight all types of cancer.  They also help regulate your blood sugar levels. In short, this boring but healthy snack is loaded with all kinds of things that do good things for you!

So, how many children do you know who would ask, no beg, for a carrot........?

Then I asked myself, how many times do I ask God for a carrot?  Seriously. A spiritual carrot. How many times do I come to Him pleading for a not-so-tasty treat in my life that will, in the long run, have tremendous benefits for me.  That testing, that trial.  That hard thing. Those experiences that grow me from the inside out. That mold me and shape me into the person He wants me to become.  To make me more like my Savior, Lord and King....

For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 6:23

How many times do I ask Him to let me suffer for His sake? How many times do I say "Bring it on, Lord, so that YOUR glory be revealed!"   or "Let me serve you so that others may see YOU!"  Do I ever ask Him for an entire bag of carrots? How many times do I ask for His divine, not of this world, gifts....

Jesus answered and said to her, “If you knew the gift of God, and who it is who says to you, ‘Give Me a drink,’ you would have asked Him, and He would have given you living water.” John 4:10

The answer is "Not often enough...."

 The beauty of many of His gifts are not in the packaging. Many times they are in the pain. They don't always look good, taste good, or feel good to our flesh. But they do tremendous good: for our spirits,  our eternal journey, for the 'others' in our lives, and for Him. Yes, these precious gifts can be hard to chew and even harder to swallow; however, the long term benefits outweigh the momentary struggle within.

Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift! 2 Cor 9:15

I think I'm going to start viewing His gifts a little differently. I will pray more expectantly and a bit more introspectly. To be more completely transformed, to trade in my heart of stone for a heart of flesh, to break bonds and be released from strongholds I don't even realize exist. To surrender my plans for His, to offer myself up as a true servant of the Most High God. To let go. Of ALL of it.

For the earth which drinks in the rain that often comes upon it, and bears herbs useful for those by whom it is cultivated, receives blessing from God; but if it bears thorns and briers, it is rejected and near to being cursed, whose end is to be burned. Hebrews 6:7-8

And, I will take another good, deep look at this verse: 

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning.  James 1:17

And, now is the time for me to be reaching for that bag of carrots because there, in that hard place, I will find His beauty and His blessing.....  Amazing what can happen on a trip to the grocery store. Care to join me in a snack for His glory?

HIS CHILDREN

 My son. My firstborn. My man/child.

A few days ago, he was in my womb. A day later he was talking. A day after that he was walking. Now he is growing hair everywhere, his voice is cracking and he is almost three inches taller than me! Almost overnight or so it seems.

Let your father and your mother be glad, And let her who bore you rejoice. Proverbs 23:25

I waited, somewhat unintentionally but mostly intentionally, to have my first child. (No regrets as I know there is a God-reason for everything.) As all children are special and certainly gifts from the Most High, the firstborn always have initial significance to the family especially Mom. They are the first of so much in the lives of new parents. Challenges, questions, education, prayers, trials, tears, joy, laughter, more questions, and more prayers. So it has been with our son.

My son, hear the instruction of your father, And do not forsake the law of your mother; For they will be a graceful ornament on your head, And chains about your neck. Proverbs 1:8-9

I find myself staring at him in amazement periodically throughout each day. I marvel at the man he is quickly becoming. I wonder where the time has gone, how we’ve made it this far, and how we are going to making it in the remaining time he has at home with us. I praise God daily for this gift of a child (and my other as well) and what He is doing in his life.  What He is doing, not me.

My husband and I hold temporary custody of this man/child. We’ve been on our knees continually for guidance, wisdom, direction, inspiration, protection and provision. God has and continues to bless us many ways. Yes, even in the difficult phases and hard places. We both have grown together with our son. It is truly a privilege to bring up children and certainly not one to be taken lightly. Everyday of parenting brings us a little bit closer to understanding the character of our heavenly Father.

But our son does belong to God and God alone. God has a purpose and plan for this beautiful boy with a strong will, bright mind, tender heart and a love for his Savior. Our son needs to choose to follow that path of his own free will. We are thankful for and rest in that comfort. God is truly sovereign in all things.

As for God, His way is perfect; The word of the Lord is proven; He is a shield to all who trust in Him. Psalm 18:30

Our pride and joy always has been and always will be in His loving hands. I cannot push and I cannot panic. I can only prod with the Shepherd’s prod, understanding His providence, and pass on the wisdom that God has granted me. I can be on bended knee for God’s will in this young man’s life as I know anything He has in store for him will be much better than anything idea I might have or any plan I might have made. Who am I to question God’s call on his life? After all, who knows my son better than the One who made him?  I trust God and God alone. 

If I truly love God with all my heart, mind and strength, I must yield to His control in all things concerning my children knowing He is working a much greater work than I can possibly imagine. I love this boy/man of mine, this treasure, this child of God, more than words can express...  I can't wait to see what God has in store for him!


I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well. Psalm 139:14

  

Now the Lord is the Spirit; and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. 2 Cor 3:17

SING A NEW SONG

Brutus, our sweet canary, had a bit of a mishap about three months ago. As is customary every few months, we took him to the bird boutique to get his toe nails clipped. The woman behind the counter was a bit rough in handling him; she tweaked his wing. Brutus was very still and quiet all the way home and upon being returned to his cage. We discovered he couldn't fly, only hop and flutter a bit. In short, Brutus had a dislocated wing. So, a week and half and a couple of vet visits later, Brutus can fly a bit but mostly sits alone in his cage, taking it day by day, just waiting. Waiting to get better, waiting to heal. With no song in his heart or on his tongue. I missed his songs. (We had quite the morning repertoire going, he and I.) That is what canaries do best. They sing the most beautiful songs…

I've had much spiritual growth over the years but, in recent months, times have been most difficult. A lot of dying to self and unlearning habits, confronting my past and the hurts that lie there, seeking to understand, accept and live His love and grace more fully and trying to find myself for who He made me to be. A LOT of pain, some darkness. A LOT of wrestling with my flesh. A LOT of being alone in my cage waiting to get better, to be healed. Trying to find the joy despite the circumstance with no fear. Waiting on Him. Praying for wisdom and revelation. Waiting for my song, my true song, to find its way back into my heart so I can fly again.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. 2 Cor 5:17

It has been worth the wait! I've turned the corner and am becoming a conqueror by Christ Who strengthens me.  I am once again becoming a new creation in Him.  I am healing. I am seeing things with new eyes, His eyes, and thinking more with the mind of Christ. I am singing a new song: a song of joy in the suffering, a song of hope in the waiting, and song of thanksgiving to the One Who is Faithful and True and the blessings He provides to those who seek Him diligently.

But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. 

Hebrews 11:6

Oh, sing to the Lord a new song!
For He has done marvelous things;His right hand and His holy arm have gained Him the victory. Psalm 98:1

He IS there. He is listening. He is watching. He is waiting. He is Love. He is Light. He is Life. He makes all things new including you. If you are yielded, He can truly do a marvelous work in YOU.

He has increased my faith. He has been victorious! Certainly He has yet more work to do in this heart; however, I face whatever comes stronger than before. By the way, Brutus is singing a new song again, too.  Beautiful as ever. And, he is a new creation learning to cope with limited flying abilities and he is doing just fine.....

For “who has known the mind of the Lord that he may instruct Him?” But we have the mind of Christ. 1 Cor 2:16

REMEMBER I LOVE YOU...

It has been almost six years since my mother entered eternal slumber awaiting the voice of the King to awaken her at His call.  My life has most certainly changed without her. A few changes for the worse: no motherly advise or words of wisdom, no grandmother for my children, no extended family. And, as God would have it, my life has changed in many ways for the better.

I do miss her. I miss her presence in my life. It wasn't always easy with Mom; however, there was comfort in knowing she was there, that she loved me, that she was family, that we had a long shared history together. Someone to share family recipes and memories with that no one else could. All of that goodness left me when she did. There is still a hole in that space for me. 

Our last days together were really more apart than together. (See my blog post "A Pillar of Salt").  So much strife, heartache, pain. I certainly don't miss that! Naturally, I was left with a sense of deep hurt, confusion and abandonment. Bitterness and resentment threatened to seep into my soul.  I pulled up my bootstraps, put on my armor and guarded myself through prayer, His Word and His Spirit.

It took me about three years to get to a place of peace.  I had forgiven. I had rationalized about what when on between us during those last days. I had talked out my feelings with myself, my husband, and with God. At times, I thought I had already reached the summit ready to conquer but alas, I was not able to plant my flag of victory because I wasn't really there. Something was not quite right. Something was missing...


My spirit struggled with the sense of ...... ?  Unforgiveness? Bitterness? I couldn't figure out what it was but I knew it was there. It tugged at my heart. So, last week, in prayer I asked Him to help me, to reveal whatever I was holding on to, whatever was holding me in bondage.

God is a god, the God, of details. He does care about the smallest of things.  As I do. I am a person of details. Most of the time. Because of this aspect of my personality, I keep a basket of cards I've received from people in my life that have been encouraging and edifying. When reread, the sentiments and details bring to mind truth during dark moments of questioning, struggle and doubt.

Well, I decided to 'clean out' that basket today. Guess what I found?!  A card from my mother. She gave it to me not long before she died. It is a beautiful Blue Mountain card with a prayer for a daughter written on it. And, on the back of the card, my mom wrote "I love you and I always want you to remember that.  Mom."  I read those words and burst into tears. I don't recall reading them before....

I needed closure. Those words provided sweet closure for me today. Though death and years have separated us, Mom and I have reconciled through those words. We have overcome the differences we had at the end of her life when Parkinson's robbed her of her body and her right mind. She knew things weren't right but, at that point in her life, she couldn't overcome her difficulties. Fortunately, Mom left me a love note. Despite everything, she still loved me. Those words were what I needed to hear at this moment and a most certain answer to my prayer. Through God's bountiful grace and mercy, Mom spoke to me beyond the grave, words of love and healing.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise Him for what He has done, is doing, and will do. It all has glorious purpose.  Praise Him who is a God of details leaving no stone unturned. Praise Him for being Love and for loving us so much that He gives us just what we need when we need it most!

And, the added beauty of it all is that these are His words to me just as much as my mother's words: "I love you and I always want you to remember that.... God." His love letter to me...and YOU!

"Unto the upright there arises light in the darkness;
He is gracious, and full of compassion, and righteous."  Psalm 112:4

Sands through the Hour Glass, A Crown of Glory

Ahh, the sensitive subject of aging...  This subject has been on my mind quite a bit during the past year as I swiftly approach my half-a-century mark. 

Just yesterday, a treasured, long-time friend asked me  "So how do you feel about turning 50?"  I drew a very deep breath in response to the very loaded question as my mind raced to scan my history--the mistakes, the trials, the successes, the challenges, the growth--wanting to answer the question with truth and godly perspective. "The physical challenges are the most difficult", I said, "but I treasure the spiritual wisdom and growth that comes with the years."

A tough question especially during this era as our culture places so much value on youth which is counter to the Word of God.  As I thought more deeply later on, these things came to mind:
  

• I am embracing the wisdom and knowledge (especially the Godly) that comes with each passing year and the blessings in the children to whom I can pass that gift.
• I am embracing spiritual growth, milestones and standing stones for Him! I am embracing a body that has a life's story to tell of accidents and babies, misguided idol worship lessons, divine rescues and amazing miracles! 
• I am embracing the increasing physical 'weakness' by rejoicing that He is made stronger and glorified in them. I wait with great anticipation as to how I will see Him working this day and revealing Himself to me. 
• I am celebrating His perspective on who I am rather than always looking in the mirror and relying on what I see and what 'the world' sees. 
• I long for freedom from the fight of the flesh, to be with Him more, be like Him more with each passing day, to be 100 percent guided by His Spirit.
• I increasingly long for the complete peace and rest the comes with His love, His grace and His deliverance and seeing Him face to face.
• And, as the days behind grow longer than the days ahead, I truly give heartfelt thanksgiving each morning of waking as I rejoice in the day, be glad in it, and live His gift of life and mercy, one more day.....

Thirty-five days and counting. I will enter, God willing, my fifty-first year.  Wow...  I must not neglect to mention that my sweet friend followed her initial question by adding "You certainly don't look 50!" A girl always needs to hear that kind of love!

Celebrating the gift of life, the true meaning of life, that only our Wonderful Maker can give!

The silver-haired head is a crown of glory,
If it is found in the way of righteousness. Proverbs 16:31

 

To Focus on Things Eternal

Where do you focus your heart, your eyes, your time, your resources, your energy.....?

Come now, ye that say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a city and continue there a year, and buy and sell and get gain”;  whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away.  Instead ye ought to say, “If the Lord will, we shall live and do this or that.” James 4:13-15

I've been asking myself these hard questions over the past few years.  Motivational questions, soul searching, introspective, life altering questions.  Why am I here really, what is His purpose for me in this life, where am I storing up my treasures and what are those treasures?  Where is my true center of gravity, the things that keeps me anchored to what is true, what is pure, what is everlasting? What do my treasures, my offerings of this earthly existence mean to the One who matters most?! What am I doing in this moment, in this day, in this life that reaches far beyond today? How do I, how can I truly make a difference?

These questions and the answers to them defy gravity, go beyond the scope of time and reach to places we do not comprehend. They are questions that have answers found in eternity and nowhere else. Nowhere else that is of any significance anyway. Far reaching, time expanding, and focusing on the eternal.

In living this existence, we must simultaneously embrace the future and our own eternal purpose. Our hearts must be searching for these answers, this purpose every day.  We must live out eternity as we walk along side Him now knowing we haven't begun to understand what He has in store and let Him lead.  Our hearts must embrace this truth with a yearning that is only satisfied with fulling His will. Nothing else will do. 

A sweet friend recently posed the question: What does eternity look like in your heart?  In living today for the bright hope of eternity's tomorrow, my eternity looks something like this:  

• An infinite longing to be there, live it, breathe it, see and embrace Him even as I walk day-to-day through this fleshly journey, to bask in His light 24/7, where love and justice reign supreme. 
• A aching passion to live this life for Him, with Him, through Him, with Him living in me, with nothing ordinary in seeing through His eyes a divine purpose in all things. 
• An unending thirst to dedicate my life, my time, my resources to His service and for His glory, not just some of it but all of it, to spread His goodness and His name rather than my own, to step out of my comfort zone to follow His call knowing and trusting, to help others, to be His hands and feet, and fulfill His perfect will rather than my own fleshy desires. 
• A overwhelming desire for others to know Him, seek Him, with hearts and lives dedicated to His glory and for others to see Him in me, my life a reflection of Him. 
• A soothing comfort and unexplainable peace in knowing there is something so much better, Someone so much bigger, knowing that this is not the end and that there is something more beyond this life that is unexplainable in mere human terms, infinitely perfect, everlasting and beautiful.....

 For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal. 2 Cor 4:17-18

For we know that if our earthly house, this tabernacle, were dissolved, we have a building of God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. 2 Cor 5:1

  

Some hard questions to ask. Their answers make a difference now and for all eternity. For you, for others. Are you living your eternity here, now....?